More Baby Changes
Just some random thoughts now that my 6 week daughter is asleep...
1) What would it be like if babies compared their days the way that old men do, especially that they don't really have good memories. Kinda like old men. :)
Baby 1: "Oh, that poop was bad."
Baby 2: "You think that poop was bad? Let me tell you about the big one from way back when, I think it was five hours ago. Daddy had just changed my diaper when boom! out came too toots of yellow goodness. It was all over the place and he had to be quick with those diaper wipes. Good thing I had just eaten and was zoned, else my normal squirming would have gotten in everywhere."
Baby 3: "Five hours ago? Man, you're getting old. Hey, watch what I can do with spit-up!"
Ah yes, if it's not something coming out one end there's the surprise when you're sweet little one's body decides that fluid can come out the other as well. Maybe Daddy should invest in the baby wipe business...
2) Then there's the wonderful conveniences we just can't do without. What did people do before the daiper djinni (D&D spelling - no worries Disney will get to me yet). So nice, in the middle of the night, to have a contained place to put those items whose smell you don't want to pervade the house, and all without having to run downstairs. Thank you diaper-djinni inventor!
3) I'm suddenly afraid of autism, more specifically of my baby getting autism. I don't know why, probably because according to Newsweek autism has spiked tenfold in the past 20 years and now will strike 1 in every 166 children. That's insane, absolutely insane when you consider you have a 1 in 200 chance to miscarry if you have an amniocentesis. You're kid probably has a greater chance of being autistic than dying of SIDS, yet while everyone screems at you if you let your baby sleep on thier belly and there are SIDS warnings in every parenting magazing/book I've ever seen, there is nothing at all about autism.
Oh, don't worry about giving your kids all those vaccinations! There is no link between vaccinations and autism. Yes, well those studies *were* funded by the companies that make the vaccines but really, trust us. Yeah right. Like we're told the drinking water in Seattle schools was safe until parents noted that their otherwise healthy kids seemed to be coming down with ADD when they started school? How could this be? And low and behold, they found unsafe levels of lead in the drinking fountains that the kids use and unsafe levels of heavy metals in thoes kids bodies. Concidence? Yes, that's what a lot of doctors say yet if this is the case they why did they shut off those fountains. Even better when they turned them back on they had the same problem. Yes, I really trust my education beaurocrats. Or the government, who is putting all this effort behind "No kid left behind". Yeah, those kids wouldn't be left behind if they weren't coming down with mental disorders. This is of course the same government who said that Iraq would be a short war, that there were weapons of mass destruction, etc. Not exactly pillars of credability, are they?
4) I no longer have time. It seems most of my weekend is spent looking after the baby while my wife gets caught up on her sleep. Even when the baby is sleeping the Talking Heads (baby books) admonish us to "never leave a child alone unattended, even for an instant." What do other parents do - act like Baptists (dry counties, yet everyone drinks anyways) - leaving their babies alone while in the bathroom and sleeping, yet publically making every other parent feel bad if they every leave their child alone? It seems that if I try to raise my child the way I was raised I'd go to jail, and some of the advice given in these books seems like it would only work if you were unemployed. I'm curious of other working parents - who work more than a normal 40 hour week - take shortcuts. What are the tricks? I'm thinking we'd be better of raising our baby in China. Or Canada - which is a lot like the US but without all the baggage.
Speaking of no longer having time, it's time for me to attend to my little Princess once more. Mom is away for a night out with friends doing woman-stuff (e.g. hair/nails) so Daddy is left to figure out what to do. I wonder if she's into Jackie Chan movies? :)
1) What would it be like if babies compared their days the way that old men do, especially that they don't really have good memories. Kinda like old men. :)
Baby 1: "Oh, that poop was bad."
Baby 2: "You think that poop was bad? Let me tell you about the big one from way back when, I think it was five hours ago. Daddy had just changed my diaper when boom! out came too toots of yellow goodness. It was all over the place and he had to be quick with those diaper wipes. Good thing I had just eaten and was zoned, else my normal squirming would have gotten in everywhere."
Baby 3: "Five hours ago? Man, you're getting old. Hey, watch what I can do with spit-up!"
Ah yes, if it's not something coming out one end there's the surprise when you're sweet little one's body decides that fluid can come out the other as well. Maybe Daddy should invest in the baby wipe business...
2) Then there's the wonderful conveniences we just can't do without. What did people do before the daiper djinni (D&D spelling - no worries Disney will get to me yet). So nice, in the middle of the night, to have a contained place to put those items whose smell you don't want to pervade the house, and all without having to run downstairs. Thank you diaper-djinni inventor!
3) I'm suddenly afraid of autism, more specifically of my baby getting autism. I don't know why, probably because according to Newsweek autism has spiked tenfold in the past 20 years and now will strike 1 in every 166 children. That's insane, absolutely insane when you consider you have a 1 in 200 chance to miscarry if you have an amniocentesis. You're kid probably has a greater chance of being autistic than dying of SIDS, yet while everyone screems at you if you let your baby sleep on thier belly and there are SIDS warnings in every parenting magazing/book I've ever seen, there is nothing at all about autism.
Oh, don't worry about giving your kids all those vaccinations! There is no link between vaccinations and autism. Yes, well those studies *were* funded by the companies that make the vaccines but really, trust us. Yeah right. Like we're told the drinking water in Seattle schools was safe until parents noted that their otherwise healthy kids seemed to be coming down with ADD when they started school? How could this be? And low and behold, they found unsafe levels of lead in the drinking fountains that the kids use and unsafe levels of heavy metals in thoes kids bodies. Concidence? Yes, that's what a lot of doctors say yet if this is the case they why did they shut off those fountains. Even better when they turned them back on they had the same problem. Yes, I really trust my education beaurocrats. Or the government, who is putting all this effort behind "No kid left behind". Yeah, those kids wouldn't be left behind if they weren't coming down with mental disorders. This is of course the same government who said that Iraq would be a short war, that there were weapons of mass destruction, etc. Not exactly pillars of credability, are they?
4) I no longer have time. It seems most of my weekend is spent looking after the baby while my wife gets caught up on her sleep. Even when the baby is sleeping the Talking Heads (baby books) admonish us to "never leave a child alone unattended, even for an instant." What do other parents do - act like Baptists (dry counties, yet everyone drinks anyways) - leaving their babies alone while in the bathroom and sleeping, yet publically making every other parent feel bad if they every leave their child alone? It seems that if I try to raise my child the way I was raised I'd go to jail, and some of the advice given in these books seems like it would only work if you were unemployed. I'm curious of other working parents - who work more than a normal 40 hour week - take shortcuts. What are the tricks? I'm thinking we'd be better of raising our baby in China. Or Canada - which is a lot like the US but without all the baggage.
Speaking of no longer having time, it's time for me to attend to my little Princess once more. Mom is away for a night out with friends doing woman-stuff (e.g. hair/nails) so Daddy is left to figure out what to do. I wonder if she's into Jackie Chan movies? :)
posted by Daetrin at 4:25 PM
1 Comments:
Thank you for making me laugh so hard. Your segment about babies exchanging notes and views on biological functions was delightful.
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